Apparently, this will be a hilarious post
There are people who think sexual violence is funny. And I say that having just left a room because I did not want to continue a conversation with someone who was too busy saying how funny “airy fairy feminist bullshit rapes” are to have a remotely interesting or constructive conversation. So I’m not pulling this out of the air here.
I’m not exactly sure what constitutes an “airy fairy feminist bullshit rape”, but the person saying this was making a distinction between that and “actual” rape. The topic of conversation was manners in bed. I was making the point that if someone says “Actually I’m not really in the mood for [specific sexual activity]” or otherwise indicates that they don’t want to engage in that activity, that means they don’t want to engage in that activity, and engaging in that activity with them contrary to their wishes is, at best disrespectful. If that activity is sexual intercourse, then engaging in it contrary to their wishes is rape. If it is some other activity, engaging in it contrary to their wishes may constitute some category of assault. It was in this context that my interlocutor starting laughing about “airy fairy feminist bullshit rape”.
It’s worth noting that the UK legal systems don’t consider that sexual activities with someone who has said no to that activity to be “airy fairy” — rather, such behaviour is covered under various defintions of rape, sexual offences, and assaults.
Sexual violence isn’t funny, and it’s not bullshit. It is real, it is a form of abuse, and it is appaling.
I do understand that there are different places one might want to draw the lines when it comes to writing laws. There are activities that one person might think should be illegal and another person doesn’t, and that doesn’t mean that either person is unreasonable. For example, I think one can reasonably disagree, within certain parameters, about what the age of consent should be, for example. I personally think 16 is pretty reasonable, but I’m not sure that a 17 year old should be criminalised for having otherwise consentual sex with a 15 year old. Equally there are activities that are clearly not ok — I that all reasonable people would agree that there ought to be an age of consent, and that there are also other situations that should be legislated against. So there is some room I think, for legitimate disagreement about what should and shouldn’t be criminal.
But if what you’re trying to say is “hey, I think that actually the law/social model of relationships is wrong in the following respects” that’s ok, provided your comments are, y’know, reasonable. What I object to is when someone decides that the entire concept of people being about to give or withhold free consent to a sexual activity is laughed at. Not because you think that there is an adjustment that could be made in the law, but because you don’t want to accept that no means no, and yes means yes.
Where’s the punchline? Where’s the joke? Why is rape funny? Really easy and obvious answer: it isn’t.
It’s easy not to worry about something that hasn’t affected you personally. It’s almost certain that this individual has never experienced sexual violence himselv. He probably doesn’t know of anybody who has been hurt by sexual violence; although given the statisitics on sexual violence, what that actually means is that he probably doesn’t know that he knows anybody who’s been hurt by sexual violence.
27% of women experience rape. 25% of women said they were “very worried” about rape. National Crime Survey, 2003. Cited in BBC “Is rape really rocketing?” 17 July 2003.
In the UK, 1 in 4 women experience rape or attempted rape. 1 in 7 women experience coerced sex. 1 in 3 divorced or separated women experience coerced sex. The most common perpetrators of rape are partners. (Painter 1991, cited in Rape Crisis statistics).
In the UK, 40% of young people in a survey of people aged 16-20 know a girl who has been coerced or pressured into sex by her boyfriend. ICM Survey, 2006 comissioned by Amnesty International, cited by Zero Tolerance “Abuse in Young Relationships” 1 Nov 2006.
96% of people in the UK are not aware of the extent of rape in this country and vastly underestimate in incidences of rape in the UK. The average estimate by respondents of the conviction rate of rape was over five times the actual rate. ICM survey, 2005, published by Amnesty International, cited by Zero Tolerance “Passing Judgement — Rape in the UK” 1 Nov 2005.
If you’re laughing, you have a problem.
Shakesville also has an ongoing series about rape jokes. This post and this one are particularly good. For primers on consent and sexual violence, try here or here.
–IP
