Daily acts of bravery

As you may have gathered, it’s been a rough patch. For some time now, I have been physically unable to carry out a lot of my normal daily tasks. I’m not cooking properly for myself, for example — I just eat “easy” food like fresh fruit or things that can be prepared with minimal time and effort and washing up afterwards. I’m not studying properly either, because I physically cannot sit still, maintain concentratin, or write for long enough. Standing up for long enough to do the dishes the other day made me cry.

I feel pretty useless. I need to study. Dammit, I want to study. That’s why I’m at university; and it frustrates the hell out of me that I’ve done little or no significant work this semester.   And the floors need mopping, my room needs tidying, there’s a stack of Important Adminy Papers I have to deal with. But what I have done this week is to attend four medical appointments, arrange a further three, discuss further medical treatment options, go to hospital out of hours, get repeat prescriptions, hand in medical certificates to academic advisor, make some provisional arrangements about what I’m going to be doing next year at university, find a dentist, and install a landline phone.

So please please please try to understand that I’m on a particularly short fuse right now.  I do not need to be patronised and I do not need my efforts second-guessed.  I need the people in my life to have enough respect for me as to pay attention when I express my needs.  I’m seriously short on energy at the mo and fighting to stay as healthy as possibly is taking up most of that energy right now.  If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, start here.

Sarah wrote a post a while ago I couldn’t stop thinking about, especially this bit (but you should read the whole thing):

But I am still functioning, still handing in work, still finding a way to overcome the horrible things life throws at you, like snooty shop assistants who think they are cooler than thou, and not giving in. Because that is the bravest thing I do, and I do it every single day.

I haven’t been as productive as Sarah, but I have been brave, and it is important for me to remember that fact, and the fact that I’m doing the best I can right now, I’m holding it together as best I can despite the pain and frustration and despite the confusion of being the liaison between several medical professionals who don’t always communicate with each other as well as they could.  Right now, to borrow Sarah’s words, that is the bravest thing I do, and I do it every single day.

–IP